HoundsGood: Chronicles of a Virtual Volunteer

Neuters and Hooters is a small vet clinic, underneath a owl weather vain, nestled near Acadia National Park in the “Down East” area of Maine.   I recently spoke with vet tech Alana Smithee, 27, of Bar Harbor, about the meaning behind their unusual name.

“My dad, who started the clinic, was an amateur wildlife rescuer.  There are groups that take in birds of prey from Acadia National Park that have been hit by a car or have otherwise been injured, but no one was interested in helping starlings and barn owls.   People feel that starlings are a nuisance bird, and since they are not originally native to Maine, many people are reluctant to help them.  Owls, on the other hand, can be hard to keep around the house because they will probably try to eat your cat. In 1993,  to offset the costs of the programs, we decided to expand to create a spay and neuter clinic.   We provide a great service to the community”

Ah, so hence the name “Neuters and Hooters.”

Alana went on, “I would like to tell your readers about a special program that we just started.   I actually thought of this myself.  In the summer, we get lots of tourists, but in the winter, the locals are all that there is.  One of the more famous people from Maine of course, is Stephen King.  The guy creeps me out just a bit.  Anyways, there are some people who wander around these back woods that scare me.   The cruel things they do to their animals, and their eccentric Maine horror novelists I would be very worried if they were allowed to have kids.    I mean, Stephen King has already been run over by a semi.  How could you miss that guy and not see him?  He is a little unusual looking, no? Anyway, we were just joking to ourselves once that some people shouldn’t be allowed to breed.   They are cruel to animals and horror novelists, so I just shudder to think what they would do to their own offspring. So, now, when we see people come into the vet clinic, we give them a snap assessment.

“Hmm….”, I wondered aloud, “Is a snap assessment like a snap test for parvo or feline leukemia?”

“No,” Alana replied as she adjusted the collar of her pawprint scrubs, “Basically, say you came to the clinic and walked up to check in at the desk. We have you sign in and observe your behavior. Then we google you. After that, if you are coming to have your dog spayed, we ask you to fill out additional questions.”

I interjected, “Oh, such as what conditions the dog is kept in and about the dangers of allowing accidental litters?”

“No, its about your fitness as a future parent. Not if you physically can have them, but should you be trusted to raise one or should you be allowed to have more of you. You get a score based on overall first impression, how you treat your dog, common sense, and a series of story problems or “what if scenarios. Adult types of questions like: If you had sex with Phil, the bouncer at the Golden Banana, but you are wearing your Birkenstocks, would you have a lesser of becoming pregnant?”

“Yes,” I said, “everyone knows that.”

Alana’s expression soured, “Well, you are wrong, you wouldn’t get pregnant because Phil is not from Maine, and therefore doesn’t like women who wear Birkenstocks. TRICK question.

“Well, that would never have happened anyway.  If that were a serious question, I wouldn’t have been interested in Phil either. So there you have it.  But what happens if you don’t pass?”

She looked at her feet, “I guess you are not from Maine so you don’t know. I will give you a pass this time just because you weren’t prepared. It’s not exactly something you can look up on healthguru.  Unfortunately I learned that my footwear choice only kept me safe from being approached by out of towners but it didn’t act as birth control with the local guys.  My older sister was SO wrong.”  She cleared her thoat. “Anyway, we tag you and set up a spay or neuter appointment for you as well.  But we really do it for free as a service to the community. The risk is too great of there being more idiots in the world than there already are.”

I thanked Alana for her time, and quickly walked out the door before I could be similarly tagged. If you are travelling to Maine, you may want to stop by and say hello. Alana and the crew at Neuters and Hooters will be waiting for you.

Happy April Fool’s Day from all of us at HoundsGood.Com. We thought we would just add that in before we got too many worried or nasty phone calls. But really. Spay and Neuter your pets. And read up enough on human reproductive stuff so you don’t get messed up with Phill the bouncer. Or Alana.

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